Archive for June, 2009

sunday is funday

I finished the majority of the chores yesterday. Well, except for the laundry, but Jesus, I have so much laundry that the fact that I’ve managed to do all but the whites really deserves some recognition here. Actually, I’ve pretty much stuck to my plan this weekend. Well, other than eating animal crackers last night after dinner. What?? I’ve gotten slightly better and I’m measuring, weighing and writing it all down. So I’m hoping to slowly build on my momentum (no, not a Weight Watcher’s plug) and actually start making some positive progress rather than maintain. Although, once I lose these 20 pounds, maintenance should be a breeze. I keep reminding myself, that weight loss is 80% what I eat. So STOP EATING ANIMAL CRACKERS!!! And no, there aren’t any pictures of them, assholes.
I got up early to fold clothes and eat breakfast and eat a light breakfast and then meet up with Nicole and Cindy at the Farmer’s Market on Las Olas. I have reserved grocery shopping for Sunday afternoons as I like to hit up the FM first because I really like the fact that the produce guy there comes from a local organic farm. AND he has fresh eggs, from chickens that they have on the farm. And they are treated humanely. I know because I asked. No, I haven’t actually BEEN to the farm, but don’t think I won’t do a surprise visit to confirm said treatment of their laying hens.
So we met up at the Farmer’s Market and then went to La Bonne something or other for brunch. Where I had all intentions of having an english muffin and that was it.
Instead, I had this
Which was seriously the best French Toast I have had in quite some time. What?? It’s got bananas and strawberry’s on there. Which I paid extra for. But my health is definitely worth it.
Shyanne decided to order ala cart and her breakfast almost cost what mine did and she didn’t really eat it. You would think I would learn my lesson, but not me. Nope.
Cindy had this.

Which was crepes w/strawberry’s and country potatoes. It was all so good.
I didn’t take a picture of Nicole’s because she just had eggs and potatoes and toast. It looked good as well, but wasn’t photographically worthy. We had a lot of fun and I got good produce and eggs and a good price. And some awesome hummus from the hummus lady. I’ve decided that she makes really good hummus. The other lady makes a great guacamole and the salsa and ceviche guy has the best salsa going. I also bought a pumpkin bread from the bakery guy. This little market is small, but I really enjoy the vendors. Then we walked up and down looking at some of the little shops.
Back to folding laundry.
Oh and yea, I’m pretty much done eating for the day. I think I’ve eaten my daily caloric intake with that brunch alone. *sigh* Why do I do that? Oh yea, because it’s delicious.
I’ll try to remember that when I’m trying to squeeze my fat ass into my jeans!!

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It’s called Inside Out Weight Loss and she focuses on the mental and internal aspect of being able to not just lose the weight but keep it off. Because, let’s be honest, I know how to lose weight. I just don’t know how to keep it off.

Anyway, the last podcast she mentioned that we can have towards and away motivation. Away is negative motivation. I want to lose weight so I can fit into these pants. With away motivation, we tend to get to the goal and then we stall and falter. When the reality is that we may want and have bigger goals. Her point and I agree, is that away motivation isn’t a bad thing, but shouldn’t be the only kinds of motivation we have. So we should also have a toward (positive) motivation. To have more energy, to be healthier, etc. She gave the example of how to turn a negative goal into a positive statement. Instead of saying I don’t want to binge eat, how about I want to eat three meals a day. Rather than I don’t want pain in my neck, I want to be flexible and energetic.
She gives homework and the homework this week was for us to pick our dream for ourselves. It doesn’t have to be realistic. So often we get told to keep our goals realistic so that we don’t get overwhelmed and can actually visualize obtaining these goals. But this time, she says, pick your dream for your weight loss/fitness/health goal. So mine, is to feel free and comfortable naked. Also to be able to be in a bathing suit at the beach or pool with the kids and feel completely comfortable about the way I look. To be fit and muscular. Will I still have a bootie and a pooch in my belly. Yes, in my dream, I visualize myself a little with that, but I’m good with the way I look.
What’s your dream for yourself?
I’ve decided to create a little routine for myself as well. Friday night and Saturday are going to be chore day. Friday night will just consist of laundry and vegging, but after my run on Saturday morning, it’s chores time. Until 5pm, when I stop, regardless of what I have left to do and start on dinner. Then it’s dinner and a movie night, or game night, or whatever the kids want to do. It’s our special time together. I realize that if I ever have a date again on a Saturday night that I may have to alter our Family time, but really, there are a lot of other nights that I can go out on a date. These kids, this is the only time I’m going to get to enjoy them being the age that they are, so, I’m loathe to change my plans for anyone. They get to be the priority now. Anyway, I’m going to have a bowl of cereal w/strawberry’s for breakfast and a piece of my broccoli crustless quiche. It came out so good. Yum.
I’m not really sure what I’ll wind up having for lunch since it’ll be smack in the dab middle of chore time but I’m sure I’ll stop and have something that will involve using up what I have in the fridge. Dinner will involve me attempting once again to grill a piece of chicken without turning it into shoe leather. For the kids. My dinner will consist of fish and veggie packets on the grill.
Off I go to clean the bathrooms first. My most hated chore, so I tend to do it first to get it done and out of the way.
What’s your most hated chore??

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So it’s Friday. And my eating is pretty much willy nilly. And so is my exercise. I’ve got to get my internal in order or any external changes I make won’t stay. I’ve proven that much already. This isn’t to say that I don’t wake up every morning starting out thinking this is the day I get my shit together.

And I will.
I’m doing good. I feel great.
Something I read today resonates and will be something I always think about. Every time a man comes up to you, he wants something from you. It’s up to me to let him know initially what the “cost” is. What my standards are. And I have them. Don’t waste my time if you don’t have any intention of trying to meet them.

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And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring…
And love is not the easy thing…
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can’t leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it’s a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can’t steal it
No they can’t even feel it
Walk on, walk on…
Stay safe tonight

You’re packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you’ve got they can’t deny it
Can’t sell it, or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home… hard to know what it is if you’ve never had one
Home… I can’t say where it is but I know I’m going home
That’s where the hurt is

I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind
You got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress-up
All that you scheme…

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I like Rita

“you are at a place you’ve never been before”

This is what my therapist said to me today at the end of our session. And it’s true. I’m at a place and I’ve come to the realization that just because I have some things I’d like to accomplish doesn’t mean I’m terrible, or I’m worthless or any of that. I can accept myself at this place and time and looking this way and be happy with the person that I am. I can try to lose weight and still feel this way as well. The number on the scale doesn’t determine my happiness or who I am. It just shows you what I weigh.

Do I like that number? No. Does it make me depressed? Not anymore.

Does the relationship I have with my pseudo boyfriend determine whether I am worthy of love? Oh hell no. This is something else that I’ve really grown from. In the past, I would have gotten completely emotional and been very co-dependent. Not now. I’m deserving of a committed relationship. If he can’t give that to me, hell he can’t even be bothered to call anymore, whom I kidding, then I can, to quote Bono, walk on.

I’ve come to the realization that I’m not perfect, but I’ve spent so much time stressing about the number, or the guy or exercising etc. that I’ve forgotten to live the life that I was trying to lead. Thanks Christie. It’s time to get off the merry go round and fecking live life. All that time spent, when life is just too short, worrying about this number or that person, or how do I look here and what are they thinking. Who gives a shit. I won’t be that person. It’s hard to not wonder, will I go back. And yea, I probably will have down days, sad days. Everyone experiences those emotions. I’m not talking about being an emotionless zombie. I’m talking about acknowledging those emotions for what they are and NOT allowing them to take control of your life. I don’t let other people do that, so why would I let these emotions do that.

You may be wondering what did I eat today, since that IS supposed to be the subject matter at hand. It doesn’t matter. I did better today than I did yesterday. That’s my plan.

Seriously, I had oatmeal and a banana for breakfast. I had yogurt and fig newtons for lunch. Therapy session was at lunchtime and I didn’t plan very well. And I had shrimp, broccoli and potatoes for dinner. No pictures. Well, because that is just beyond boring. I am making a spinach pie for the week. Except I’m using broccoli and ricotta instead of the cottage cheese. So is it spinach pie? Or crust less broccoli quiche. Yea, I like the sounds of that.

Ladies and Gentlemen, to quote my good friend Mindy, “Happiness is a decision.” I choose to be happy, regardless of my situation.

You should try it.

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My parent’s have been here all week as my Dad had some business in the Key’s to take care of. So, my apt. is a disaster because whenever they are here, my mom expects me to be at my grandmother’s house during the waking hours. Which, you know what, is just fine. I’m realizing the older I get, how blessed I am to have my parents alive and healthy and around. And honestly, I wish every day that I had spent more time with my sister and now it’s too late. I want to be able to not have that regret.

I realize that this is supposed to be a food blog, but I didn’t take pictures yesterday since my camera died. I am charging it today and hope to have some pictures today.
Breakfast today is starting out with pineapple because it’s on the verge (several pieces tossed already) and coffee. Yea, not exactly balanced, I realize that but I’m not thinking too much about balanced today.
I’ve also made some decisions about certain things in my life and the relief that I felt once I made the difficult decision was rather surprising. I honestly am sad about it, but sometimes in order to move forward you have to close off some things that while initially may hurt, in the end are actually better for everyone involved. I could write several cliches now but I’ll spare you the nausea. I really feel good about myself and know what I do and don’t want and don’t feel like I need to tolerate anything that causes me the slightest bit of anxiety. I deserve better. I demand better and I won’t apologize for feeling that way.
In other random news, I’m decorating the boys room and have decided that I do like IKEA after all. If for nothing else than there wonderful ideas on how to maximize and decorate small spaces. I’m going to embrace my inner DIYer.

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I realized a couple of things yesterday in therapy. I’m really in a good place. I recognize the potential red flags and am doing the things I need to do to take care of me. I’ve become accepting of who I am right now. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to change my behaviors or my weight, but I am who I am. And if you can’t deal with that then that is your problem not mine. I’m pretty much over being anxious about my relationship with people or food. My goal each day is to do better than yesterday. I also have specific things to accomplish this goal and they change from day to day. My plan is to build on baby steps and eventually those baby steps will become routine.

I ate on plan yesterday. My exercise goals are to do something every other day. If I do more, then great, but if not that’s ok too. I’d like to have a more specific routine at some point but I’m trying to develop fitness habits that I stick to. When I was training for the half, I had no problem sticking to a workout routine, but that ended once I ran the half. So, I’m going to develop a routine that I can stick to regardless of what my other fitness goals, long or short term, become.
I’ve been counting calories because I’ve really had a hard time sticking to anything else. Even WW hasn’t been particularly appealing and I figure as long as I know what my caloric intake is and the fact that I’m eating mostly filling foods (WW terminology) that I’m making baby steps towards getting that relatively under control as well.
My friend M and I have decided to try this fat plan that she has and that when she was doing properly worked. Well of course it did. It was basically filling foods and burning more than what you take in. But it’s a different kind of plan and since it’s something new appeals to me. Plus, we are going text or call whenever we feel like eating off plan. I have that with Christie too and I think that having another person available to me for accountability will help. I have a lot of friends who I know I can count on for support and I am really thankful for that.
My mom’s here under next week so I’ve been getting home late everyday as I bring my dinner over there to eat with them. I’ll probably do that again today. I did eat past satisfaction yesterday, however I’m not going to let Lois talk bad to me, like she started to before bed time. My therapist’s goal for me is to banish Lois forever. I hadn’t seen her in awhile, but she did show up last night. I did tell her to go to hell. Yes, I ate too much, but it wasn’t chips. So, I’ll think about why I ate so much and try to learn something from it. My take, there were really no veggies with that meal.
Time always flies in the morning. I’m out.
Today, I woke up early and rode the bike.

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